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EXCERPT FROM CHAPTER 3: THE ART OF LIVING
AND WORKING WITH KIDS
Letting Go
Often we try to protect kids from reality. However, in some cases we need
to provide them skills to deal with real-life situations. In E.B. White’s
Charlotte’s Web, the spider very delicately tells Wilbur about
the reality of her impending death. But her wonderful gift to Wilbur is
helping him to develop skills to succeed once she is gone. It’s our
duty to give our children skills so we can let go and help them become
independent.
Andrew Stanton, the director of the movie Finding Nemo, told Disney
Magazine how he got the idea for the movie when walking with his son.
"I spent the entire walk talking to my son to stay away from the
curb, to watch for cars, not to touch things. I was so overprotective.
That got me thinking about the premise that fear can keep a good father
from being one. I think the story idea that was quickly settled on was
the nobility of a parent trying to do everything to look out for his child
but being able to let go.”
While I was in high school, my best friend, Roger DeAngelis, and I decided
to make a theatrical film; we were thirty years ahead of Matt Damon and
Ben Affleck. The film had two male leads and a heroine.
It didn’t take us long to cast the male leads, but finding the right
teenage female took longer—we were at an all-boys school, after all.
One afternoon, when I was at home, the phone rang. I picked up and heard
a breathlessly excited Roger announcing, “I’ve got the heroine.”
Unfortunately, I didn’t her my mother picking up the extension. Within
minutes, she and my father were in my room, confronting me.
“We know about your drug use,” she said, “and we know that
Roger is your dealer.”
They were chagrined when I explained that this kind of heroine ended in
an “e” and wasn’t snorted or injected. They slunk away
and never brought up the subject again—and they never listened in
on any more of my phone conversations. While my mother had little contact
with us, as you can see, she was an egregious phone snoop. Though she
loved me, she invested too much energy in control and not enough in promoting
my independence.
The point of this story is that all of us must learn the importance of
letting go. Whether we are raising children, or dealing with spouses or
partners or coworkers, we must not just help them but also help them to
help themselves. It is up to us to help children control themselves, and,
therefore, take ownership.
We can give children positive reinforcement by first asking them whom
they should be proud of (themselves), or telling them what a great job
they’ve done by saying that they should be proud of themselves. This
helps children feel the ownership of their actions. Of course, after that,
it’s natural to share with your children that you’re
proud of them too.
As our children grow, they must develop this skill. As grown-ups, we cannot
always depend on others to tell us what a good job we’ve done. We
need to tell ourselves that. Children must learn this at an early age.
With the busy schedules that children balance among school, after-school
activities, extracurricular activities, and their home lives, the reality
is that there may not always be an adult around to tell them he or she
is proud of them. And if children have this expectation, they will be
disappointed. That’s why it’s important to let go and let children
feel the pride within themselves.
It’s important to remind kids that it is up to them to manage their
own actions. We hear teachers say, “Do your homework for me.”
Parents say, “Do me a favor and clean up your room.” When we
give these sorts of instruction to kids, we are telling them that they
should do things for us. But for whom should the kids really be doing
these things? Not for the adult, but for themselves.
When we change our language to give ownership of their lives to the children,
we remind them that they are in control of their own behavior. Teachers
can say, “For your science homework, read this chapter so that you
can be prepared for tomorrow’s experiment. You’re not doing
your homework for me, you’re doing it for yourself.” And parents
can say, “Please clean up your room so that the dust doesn’t
make you sneeze and so you can find your guitar pick; remember, you’re
not doing it for me, you’re doing it for yourself." This way,
we can let children know that it’s up to them to follow directions
because they are the people in charge of helping themselves.
Recently I had a hard time letting go and admitting to myself that my
son is getting older and more independent. Some of my son’s friends
invited him to go to a dance at their school. It was Andy’s first
dance, and I was more nervous than he was. After he left, I couldn’t
stop thinking about him: hoping that he was having a good time and getting
along with all of the new kids he was meeting there. My wife kept reminding
me that I needed to let go and that Andy was fine—I was the one who
was having a hard time. When we returned from dinner, there was a message
from Andy on the answering machine, telling us that we had forgotten to
give him money to buy refreshments.
As we drove over to the dance, I started wondering if I had “forgotten”
to give him the money with some subliminal purpose. By bringing the money
over to him, I was giving myself the opportunity to check in on him and
see how he was doing. Andy met me at the door; he was having a great time.
As I got back into the car, I put my arm around the seat and said to my
wife, “Everything’s going to be fine.” And the person sitting
next to me turned to me and said, “Sure it is, but you’re not
my type.” I had been so nervous about Andy that I had climbed into
the wrong car and had put my arm around a man I’d never met. I’m
still learning to let go so I can help give Andy the skills he needs and
trust that he has the skills to handle any situation that arises.
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